did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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