Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You are a genius and a whore.
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