I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
