Only a mothe r could love this liver
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize