I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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