I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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