Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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