actually, I'm a sock model
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
