I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
