i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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