I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
