i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
