The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
