That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
