she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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