Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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