I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
