Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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