My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
