My hand turned me down
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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