she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
