I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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