This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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