I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
