There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
