Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
