I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
