The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
