I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
