I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
