Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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