I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
