Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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