I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
