so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
