hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
