Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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