Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she told me i tasted like america
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
