Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
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