It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
