i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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