my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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