yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
