So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
