if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
why do cheetos always look like penises
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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