DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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