I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
