my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
