I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I want to be your penis for a week.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
