Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
