i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
