i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
