is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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