zippers are such a cool invention
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
