This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
