There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
